What is the point?

To sit and think about what to write here seems to me to be missing the point. I intended this blog to be a refuge for my outpourings; an outlet for everything inside of me that I cannot release publicly. The fact that those outpourings are available for anyone to see is almost superfluous; of course, there are some posts that I would rather certain people do not read, but at the same time I feel it would be interesting to contrast my friends perceptions of me in the 'real' world to the persona that I present here.

Largely, I find that on close inspectoin, I really do not care for the person I appear to be on the outside. In social situations I find that I mix my words; I stutter occasionally, I say something and immediately regret it because I haven't thought it through; and when I do think, everyone moves on. I prefer the medium of text, in a way, because it allows me to express myself far clearer than if I were to simply talk; yet, I am aware that such an approach is usually frowned upon. Why? I personally do not know. Am I not allowed to express a slight inclination not to socially interact? I know that many people, some of whom I call my friends, would call me sad to go home at lunchtime by myself and to prefer solitude instead of people.

Why?


Whenever I walk through a crowd of people my own age, I feel immensely self-concious, beyond the realms of rationality. I can feel their eyes looking at my, summing me up, reaching conclusions on who I am and how I act and thus completely missing my character. Of course, my intellect tells me that they couldn't care who I am and are not bothered in the slightest; but my lack of self-esteem, coupled with a desire for people to like me for who I am, seems to get the better of me all the time.


So, in conclusion, text > real

Gah, as you can probably guess, I have no real purpose to this post. It's taken a rambling life of its own, and I'm sure that it will get rather confusing for you if you continue.

Ah well, I never said this was going to be easy.




What I'd really like is a girlfriend. Damn me and my lack of conformity to social norms, as well as a complete unattractiveness to anything female.