Discordia

Well, whent to a decent party last night at Jess's. Had a good time, all in all, although I found it a bit odd when Jess's mum's partner Mike started giving Adam some weed and smoking it in the kitchen. In front of everyone else.

Ah well, nothing to do with me.

Currently reading the most brilliant book(s) ever written; The Illuminatus Trilogy. It simultaeneously makes absolutely no sense and the most sense ever; moreover, it's funny. I need more funny stuff in my life.

It's also made me start applying a Discordian style of thinking to my life. I like it. I like it a lot.

I'm infatuated with this girl. To some, it's quite obvious who she is, but in the small, small chance that she is reading this (although, of course, Blogs are for people with no lives heh), I shall call her girl X.

So, this infatuation, right? It's quite simply tearing me apart. As much as I want her, the more I realise that I will never have her, and it hurts. It seems to me that it's a form of unrequited love, but that just sounds so pathetic.

But, look at it this way. Emotions are purely subjective. They are applicable to each person independantly. There is no way of knowing whether my version of 'love' is the same as her version of 'love'. Henceforth, even if I tell her I love her, she has no way of knowing what that truly means. And from this, problems arise, because a direct result of her inability to apply her concepts to mine will lead to her categorising me into a particular set. That's the way that we as a society are conditioned; everything that we cannot understand we group together in vague areas that we pretend we know. Of course, that's bullshit; what will happen is that in her eyes I will stop being a friend and be lumped into the box of 'Dipshit lover boys who can't keep their eyes off me'.

And, as might be somewhat evident, this will slightly hamper any chances I have of either:
a) Going out with her
b) Remaining friends with her


So, my dilema is this: Do I keep this internal conflict going, all the while growing even more depressed and introverted until I am completely obsessed by this and am unable to even articulate my feelings on the subject into an impersonal and detached form, vis a vis this blog, or do I eventuall crack and tell her how I'm feeling, which would essentially terminate our current standing as friends and either work amazingly well, or horribly, terribly badly.

Ultimately, it comes down to: Do I care more about myself, or about my relatoinship with her?

At the moment, I have no clear answer. How I wish she could just pick up on everything and say something...






Hmm, as of now, a plan emerges. Deliberately get myself completely pissed, reveal all to her, then fall asleep and pretend nothing ever happened.

Sounds like a plan; and Adams birthday party is soon, so who knows


Whatever, essentially whatever happens, I still look like a twat.


Awesome...





Oh, and apparently I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. I think Jess likes me.